Audio By Carbonatix
Rare are Twitter accounts that intend to be funny and actually achieve that goal. One such account is owned by a man named James Breakwell, aka Exploding Unicorn.
Breakwell, no surprise, is a comedy writer, but he is also a dad to four daughters and the accounts he shares of his daily life with them (and his wife) are truly hilarious.
Anyone who has kids, or even remotely knows what it is like to deal with kids, will completely understand and crack up at some of these priceless interactions.
[floor is covered in water]
Me: I told you not to play in the sink!
3-year-old: I didn't!
Me:
3: It's from the toilet.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 19, 2016
5-year-old: What's puberty?
Me: It's when your body goes through changes.
5: Is that when I'll get my ice powers?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 19, 2016
[3-year-old rides her bike]
Me: I taught her everything she needs to know
Wife: Braking?
Me: I taught her half of what she needs to know.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 17, 2016
3-year-old: Our house isn't very fast.
Me: It's a house. It doesn't move at all.
3: We should get a faster one.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 16, 2016
3-year-old daughter: A boy at daycare said he likes me.
Me: Do you like him back?
3: He colors outside the lines. He needs to grow up.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 15, 2016
Me: Time for breakfast.
5-year-old: Wow, Dad, you didn't burn it as much as usual.
Her current passive aggressiveness level is wife.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 15, 2016
Me: You forgot to brush your teeth. They're going to fall out.
5-year-old: That's the point.
That tooth fairy story backfired.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 14, 2016
3-year-old: You clean our room. I'll watch.
5-year-old: That's not how teamwork works!
Me: Actually, it usually is.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 14, 2016
5-year-old: The tooth fairy didn't come last night!
Me: Oh. She left your quarters with me.
[checks wallet]
Me: She left them at the bank
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 12, 2016
Me: You understand the Dark Side is bad, right?
5-year-old: How come they get the cool masks?
Me: It's not a fashion contest.
5: Says you
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 12, 2016
[reading "Hansel and Gretel"]
Me: Would you want to live in a gingerbread house?
5-year-old: Does it have Wi-Fi?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 9, 2016
[grocery store]
3: How come macaroni and cheese isn't on every shelf?
Me: Some people think other food tastes good, too
3: They're wrong.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 9, 2016
3-year-old: Dad! The baby has a hole in her!
Me: That's a belly button. You have one, too. Remember?
3: *looks at her stomach* Am I dying?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 8, 2016
Me: Why are you poking holes in that paper?
3-year-old: Practice.
Me: Practice for what?
3: Poking holes.
I'm glad we cleared that up.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 8, 2016
Me: I feel like doing something fun.
5-year-old: You can't.
Me: Why not?
5: Grownups don't have fun. Grownups have babies.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 7, 2016
3-year-old daughter: I wanted to play Ninja Turtles, but my friends wanted to play princesses.
Me: That’s too bad.
3: I have girl problems
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 7, 2016
Me: Being a mommy is a very important job.
3-year-old daughter: Does it pay a lot?
Me: It doesn't pay anything.
3: I'll be a mailman.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 6, 2016
5-year-old: Can we go to Disneyland?
Me: It costs too much money.
5:
Me:
5: Can you make more money?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 5, 2016
I took the day off work to hang out with my 5-year-old.
She just told me "I need some alone time" and turned on Netflix
I'm raising myself
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 7, 2016
H/T Some eCards; Superkid image by Shutterstock