Audio By Carbonatix
This weekend, millions of Americans will host Halloween parties in their apartment, condo, trailer home, low income hotel room or the house of a complete stranger who’s away in Belize for a long weekend.
Throwing a Halloween party isn’t easy. Halloween party planning takes time, skill, multiple stolen credit cards and an alibi when someone drinks themselves to death. I’m here to make this year’s party planning is a little easier for all.
Here are five sure-fire ways to make your Halloween party an event that will be talked about on the local news for weeks.
Make The Food & Drinks Themed
Halloween is all about being creative, especially when preparing delicious treats and thirst quenching beverages for your guests. Food and drinks can make or break a party.
Be sure to serve guests drinks that are either orange or black in color. I suggest either Sunkist Screwdrivers (one shot of Sunkist added to eight ounces of bottom-shelf vodka) as the orange beverage and Second-Hand Sunkist Screwdrivers for the black drink. Second-Hand Sunkist Screwdrivers are just the first round of screwdrivers vomited back up into a cup after alcohol poisoning has taken effect. Spice up ordinary bloody Mary drinks as “The Bride Of Dracula’s Bloody Mary” and explain to your guest it’s Dracula’s wife’s time of the month. If hard alcohol doesn’t fit into your budget, just buy a keg of beer, and if a guest asks, call it a “Witches’ Brew” or just explain “it’s fucking beer, what else comes in a keg you shit head?”
Chips? Bowls of candy? Maybe just order pizza for the gang? Dawn of the dull! No one wants to get all dressed up for Halloween and nosh on simple snacks. Hosts must put as much effort into the food as the booze. Turn your Halloween food table into a feast for the party-going ghouls without spending all your time making grub with these 45 helpful Halloween party food suggestions:
• A table full of uncooked sausage. An entire table. Stacked up to the ceiling. Stick pretzels in as legs and they’ll look like spooky spiders or raw sausage with pretzels.
That’s it. That’s my only suggestion. Forty-five suggestions might have been a bit ambitious.
These food and drink ideas are festive and fun and your guests will have a good laugh or be totally grossed out and won’t touch any of your food or drinks. You can throw another party the next night and not spend a dime!
Decorations Are Crucial
There is nothing worse than putting hours into a costume only to attend a Halloween party at a house with just a few decorations scattered around. GET INTO THE SPIRIT, GUYS! Turn your home into a haunted house of horrors with these cheap and easy decorating tips.
First, make any room look like a graveyard by installing real headstones stolen from the local cemetery. To avoid an issue with the law, make sure to pick headstones of people who’ve been dead so long there’s no way a living person is dropping by to visit the spot any time soon. The older the better. To really add a scary element, look for stones commemorating the death of very young people. Bonus points for scoring the headstones of kids! Polio’s death grip could be your ticket to a spooktacular Halloween party.
Now I’m not saying this out loud but those headstones also mark the spots where decades-old bones rot, and you’ve already brought a shovel for the tombstones, and who doesn’t love a seasonal skeleton hanging from the ceiling fan? Round and round goes someone’s grandma.
Pick A Musical Theme For The Night And Make It Scary
The top song on every Halloween playlist is Michael Jackson’s Thriller, of course, but to really scare your party guests this year go deeper into the Michael Jackson catalog. Pick only romantic ballads, especially from his earlier albums, and before each song loudly announce “it’s weird to think he was probably singing to children!”
After you’ve exhausted the MJ catalog, or Another Part Of Me and P.Y.T have mentally damaged everyone in the room, pop in a playlist of artists who left this world a little too soon. Anyone who died at age 27 would really get the people onto the dance floor. Songs from Amy Winehouse, Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin are already crowd pleasers but get even heavier when you politely remind guests “it really makes you ponder your own death, huh? We’re almost the same age!”
If neither of those ideas are to your liking, I suggest blasting Rock And Roll Part 2 for the entire night. It’s by Gary Glitter. He’s scarier than all the Saw movies combined.
Stick To A Strict Schedule
There is nothing more enjoyable than a party with rules. An affair where all the guests just eat, drink and mingle is never going to put your party on the map. It’s important to map out every single minute of your party and stick to it.
“Beer pong is from 8pm until 9pm and then at 9pm we all sit down at the table and eat a couple sausage and I don’t give a fuck what was going on in the beer pong game, people aren’t going to play all night. There is sausage to eat, and music to listen to, and headstones to stare at and if you fuckers think you’re going to spend all night playing beer pong while your bitches sit in a corner and talk about all of the whores at the party while they’re dressed like the biggest whore in the place, we’ll you’ve got another thing coming! I’m going to take that ping pong ball and shove it up your dick hole if you don’t pound all those red Solo cups right now and head into the living room. Those sausages are getting room temperature!!!”
Your guests will appreciate all of the time and energy you put into planning the event so that not a moment is lost.
Hold A Costume Contest For A Cool Prize
No party is complete without costumed guests and prizes for the best original get-up. This year, encourage guests to really push the limits and come dressed in the most offensive costume possible. Ray Rice and Ebola costumes are already flying off store shelves, but even those are a little too predictable. Requests that attendees offend but also make people think
Ideas for offensive 2014 costumes include Joan Rivers’ doctor, ISIS, Vladimir Putin, Donald Sterling’s white party and gluing hacked pictures of famous naked celebs to your body and calling yourself “Mr. Fappening.”
As for a prize, just pick anything around the house you’ve been looking to get rid of. Maybe even put everything together in a spare room and let guest choose from the treasure trove of prizes. Anyone who comes in costume gets a hangar! A metal hangar like the kind you only get from the dry cleaners! Perfect for hanging up their Halloween costumes before calmly calling 911 to report possible alcohol poisoning, stolen headstones, questionable music and all of the other things that happened at your party.
It will be a night no one will ever forget!!!!