Kevin Mazur/Getty Images for Bud Light Super Bowl Music Fest / EA SPORTS BOWL
I told myself I’d stop piling on Antonio Brown, but I also told myself I’d read 10 books this year, and the only thing I’ve read in full are my batshit crazy aunt’s Facebook statuses. In my defense, AB just makes it so easy.
Example 1,839: Antonio Brown, who desperately needs you to know that he has $24 million sitting in his checking account, also needs you to know that he is using none of that on tasks that normal people do for free in conjunction with this whole “everyday life” thing.
Is this AB tweeting or Rosie the Riveter?
When I was in the league everyone did everything for me literally handicap me! I’m back cooking; shopping taking care kids all me no nannies chefs trainers or baby mamas me dolo all self Care
— AB (@AB84) November 1, 2019
As you may have predicted, regular people, who have jobs to make ends meet and take care of their kids out of, I don’t know, love, decided to welcome Mr. Antonio Brown to the real world.
Translation: When I was in the NFL, I had it all. People fed me, picked my clothing styles, drove me, I didn’t have to do anything! Now, I have to actually provide for myself, take care of my children, and even cook!! I do it all by myself like a big boy.
— Antonio Brown Translator (@ABtranslatorr) November 1, 2019
— Chris Garman (@Garmelo10) November 1, 2019
Like the rest of us been doing our whole lives. Welcome to reality. Ain’t no prizes down here.
— FreeRangeChickn (@FreeRangeChickn) November 1, 2019
I mean you didn’t pay them anyway
— Tim Wenz (@LwyrUp406) November 1, 2019
Congratulations on performing the simple tasks required of every functioning adult.
— ALL GRIT 🦁 Izzo (@burner_izzo) November 1, 2019
not to mention battling tone deafness
— McNeil (@Reflog_18) November 1, 2019
Thoughts & Prayers for you AB for having to cook your own food. I am thinking of you during this difficult time.
— Turtle 🐢💬 (@TurtlesTakes) November 1, 2019
bragging about being a real adult and father….good look.
— Larry (@LStocks86) November 1, 2019
Moral of the story: Being a regular person sucks. The only thing worse would be to have the ability to play in the NFL but fuck yourself into being like every other Tom, Dick and Jerry in America.