Literal Pittsburgh Pirate Arrested After Stealing Boat In Hopes Of Meeting Pittsburgh Pirates Players

In one of the best headlines you’re likely to see all year, a man in Pittsburgh was arrested recently after allegedly stealing an 82-foot yacht in hopes of using it in order to meet Pittsburgh Pirates players.

“Authorities say 38-year-old Michael Fischer broke into the Lock Wall Marina off 23rd Street in the Strip early Friday morning,” KDKA radio in Pittsburgh reports. “They say Fischer boarded and unmoored an 82-foot yacht, and then floated downriver to where the boat came to rest along the river wall.”

Fischer, who was intoxicated at the time of his arrest, faces charges of theft by unlawful taking, receiving stolen property and defiant trespassing.

But why did he do it? Well, the answer is simple

“I took the boat,” Fischer told police, according to a criminal complaint in the case. “I wanted to meet some Pittsburgh Pirates.”

Pittsburgh Pirate Fails Miserably At Attempt To Meet Pittsburgh Pirates

Pittsburgh area reporter Alan Saunders then pointed out the one thing that everybody was wondering.

“If you steal a boat in Pittsburgh, does that not in fact make YOU a Pittsburgh pirate,” Saunders tweeted.

Points were made!

Sadly, the man did not actually get the chance to meet any of the baseball players. Which probably makes him a pretty crappy pirate. In fact, he couldn’t even get the boat running.

Fischer, who did not have an address listed in court records, could not turn on the yacht’s power and instead floated the vessel down the Allegheny River, a spokeswoman for the Pittsburgh Police stated. The yacht came to rest just before 8 a.m. along a river wall — about 50 yards from the Pittsburgh River Rescue boathouse.

Fischer did not post the $5,000 bail set by a local judge.